just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
my poor anus
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
