I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
