he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
