his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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