I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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