yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
