Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
