so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
