I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
