Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
