Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
