I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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