Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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