Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
