when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Randomize
