me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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