life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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