The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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