so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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