he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
