Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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