i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
