Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
that may or may not have been my penis.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
