When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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