someone threw a dead crab at me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
