he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
