Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
