You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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