Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
