Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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