I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Verdict: uncircumcised.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
