Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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