I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's blow job season.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
