Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Randomize
