Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
