i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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