I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
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He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize