you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
