What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
