Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
