OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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