Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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