Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
