I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
