that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
