I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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