i may or may not be watching the land before time
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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