don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
