In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
