Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
