My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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