6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
