She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
