why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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