I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
