Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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